I used to speak so poorly about myself, both to others and to myself, not realizing how damaging it is.
“I am broken.”
“No one will love my when they figure out what goes on in my head.”
“Don’t even try, it won’t work.”
“You think you have a lot to work on, please, I am so screwed up.”
“I don’t even know where to begin explaining how I am doing.”
“I don’t care what happens in my life.”
“Everyone else has everything going for them and I can’ figure anything out.”
These statements (plus many others) were so destructive to my life, and are to many others’ lives. They prevented me from feeling like a person, making me see myself as pieces of something that needed fixing and gluing back together, rather than someone who had all the pieces and they just needed a little welding. I had a strong feeling that I wasn’t who I “Should” be and that there was too much “wrong” wth me that made me not worth looking at or being loved despite how much love I could give.
The problem is, when you tell yourself and others that you are “broken” it makes it sound like there is no ability to be fixed; like you tried but something is really wrong with you that makes you defective. Truth is, no one needs “fixing” because everyone is “fixed.” Yes, we are all wired differently with tighter screws in some places than others, and a few patches here and there, but that’s what makes us unique. Everyone is who they are and sometimes things get shifted out of balance, which can be very painful. When I was rigged by uncertainty, doubt, depression, anxiety, and depersonalization I felt I couldn’t be the person I knew I was. I felt like there was a suffocating cloud over my head. I had lost sight of the light-hearted, spontaneous person I once knew. My love of travel and adventure was replaced with trying to “run” and find myself when I was right there all along. I began to try to fit a mold, putting constraints on my movements, rather than standing out and trust that the right people would be there the more “me” I became.
Reality is, it is harder to tell yourself who you feel you are or try to be who you should be rather than being yourself. When you fight what is natural, it becomes a battle you will never win. It will never feel right, and you will always feel as if something is awry. And believe me, although it can be hard to listen to your heart, do it! I am very happy that I had the strength and self awareness to know I could offer more, and to dig into where I had strayed from the path of being “me.”
I am happy to say I no longer resonate with those self-destructive phrases. Sometimes, yes, I feel as if the world doesn’t allow me to feel as “me” as I know I can, but ultimately it is in my power to let “me” shine.
Find your “me” and shine away!
SEROTONING 