Inspired by the pain of depression and the diagnosis of OCD during a relationship I still carry with me.
One thing I need you to know which is 100% true,
Is my anxiety struck me so hard because of how much I love you.
Terrified of that strong of a feeling I had never felt before,
After having been hurt my others, I couldn’t imagine it anymore.
You were not just “someone else” in my life you see,
I hadn’t experienced that level of love, and it terrified me.
Protecting myself from the possibility of you leaving clearly wasn’t the right call,
I pushed away the one I cared about, the one with whom I wanted it all.
Without me understanding it, I wasn’t able to let you in
Instead you left, the opposite of what it should have been.
When I expressed my triggers you didn’t know what side was true.
Not knowing how someone could love you when their mind seemed to not have a clue.
I haven’t lost the feels and don’t want you to say we won’t be together,
We have the power to change that when we both want forever.
You only lost it if you give up and resist the pull
Because I know right now my heart isn’t full.
When there are words left unsaid, how can I let you know?
When you know what’s meant to be, you can’t let it go.
Too many plans left undone, so many feelings still there.
How do we continue when we both still care?
The answer is clear we just have to take the first step
It will be the hardest, but it’s like the first rep.
Just get to it and jump right in
It will be just as easy as its always been.
Maybe that’s what’s scary because it’s so real
Knowing how strong and good it will feel.
Travel plans, day to day, and future fun
My plans include you, Europe, and life in the California sun.
I keep adding to the bucket list and finding new things to do
Things I want, and only want to do with you.
I keep it with me, knowing we will look at it again
The hardest part by far, is not knowing when.
Time apart has done us both some good
but now it’s time to come back like we both knew we would.
It remains painful, each day we don’t talk.
I keep running through all the things to say on a long walk.
I picked the place and know you will love it
Hiking along to the waterfall to talk and sit.
It will take time to get back into the swing of things, that I know
but it was so easy the first time, we just have to go slow.
I am ready and dedicated, hoping you are too
I know what I want and, without a doubt, it’s you.