My Turn

For years I wasn’t ready to open up, and honestly, I didn’t want to.
My heart had made up its mind and as much as I tried, I couldn’t force it.
Give it time, they say, and you will start to be open to the idea.
When your heart is invested, it’s not a light switch. There is no “on” or “off” button that allow you to just say “ok, I’m ready.”
The heart, a fragile muscle, must be massaged, rested, and challenged in order to recover, strengthen, and to be stable enough to withstand pressure and grit.

The messages are so mixed. The messages from others. The messages from my heart. The  anxieties battle each other.
“It will happen. You want it to happen naturally as it has in the past,” whispers the heart.
“How do you just expect it to just happen? It hasn’t yet and everyone you are attracted to is taken,” pesters the anxious brain.
Who, where, when, and how?
by luck and chance of doing what I do and letting it happen
by actively seeking and going against my innate desire of how to meet someone.
what’s meant to be will be or do you have to make it be?
it will happen when you least expect it just keep doing what you do,
or put yourself out there, how do you think it will just come to you?

It’s funny because now that I am confident in myself, comfortable in myself, and mentally more stable, I fall for the ones who are taken. I don’t seem to be able to catch a break. I fall for those I can’t have and even those who are taken fall for me! I help everyone else figure out their own situations and find their spots in life and sometimes I feel like I am left out to sea and floating.

It’s not often but once in a while it hits me and I am like “When will something good happen for me with relationships and sharing my life with someone?”

My first thought is to move away, escape it, and just take myself out of the situations, find new people, and start over. That’s not the answer-I tried it before. Not that a new place wouldn’t be fun or open up opportunities but the general ideas and feelings would remain. Second, stop being so nice and helpful. That won’t happen, that’s not me. Third, keep doing what I do and the rest will follow…… cliche, hard, and distressing, but comparatively my best option.

What are your thoughts?



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