For so long I have wanted someone in my life. I had someone and I was destroyed by it. I had another, lost another, and again… There are times I have I let those things reflect on me as a person. Sometimes it takes over my heart and I drown in the dispair, the frustration, the longing, the doubt, and the hope. Sometimes I wonder, if people don’t stay does that mean I am not worthy or I am doing something wrong? Sometimes I worry that I am not enough if I do not have a partner.
I have made it a focus to try to “find” someone as if it were an item on a to-do list; as if you just need directions or there is a right way to do it and I am just failing at the task, when in reality this is probably the one thing I want to take time to get it right. This is the most important thing to me so it deserves the time and patience.
In the last few years, I had to get to a place where I knew I could be both, the person I deserved for myself and the person I wanted to be for someone else. I value relationships above anything else. I want to be able to care for someone and share in life’s ups and downs, celebrations and hardships, and do this thing call life together, but I also know it takes someone really special to grab my attention. I have an old soul and might be considered a hopeless romantic 😉 I send articles and podcasts to my family and friends, I would rather wake up early to workout and start the day by journaling and meditating than sleep all day. I would rather talk about life and ideas than people and pop culture. I am ok with that. I have learned that I don’t just want people in my life to fill space, but I want people who prove they want to be there and are invested. I recovered from a mental health disorder and still struggle sometimes, I need alone time as much as I like to be with people, and I enjoy learning about people and their hangups and struggles to become closer. It doesn’t make me less valued or less worthy, it makes me me. Because I am not in a relationship right now says nothing about who I am as a person. Ever since I felt what love feels like, I knew I wanted that…and one day I will have it.