An individual found me through my article, Lessons Learned from rOCD, on the OCD stories website and contacted me through this blog. It came with an attachment: an iphone “note” titled “ROCD Hell.” It so painfully reminded me of exactly how I felt when I was in a relationship but plagued by anxiety. Reading someone’s struggle with anxiety over their love for their partner is SO incredibly hard for me. It is not hard because it triggers me, but because I so badly wish I could explain this to my ex. I so badly wish I could show her this and say “see, there was a reason!” I hate what happened. I feel so much for these people knowing exactly how painful this is. This s*** is real! It hurts so so much and so few people understand. In fact, the person going through it doesn’t even understand which is why it is so torturous! Your anxiety causes you to question breaking up with someone, causes you to think you would be freer without them because the love you feel is all-encompassing, causes you to question your love for them because it terrifies you.
All of these questions are happening BECAUSE of how much you love them, and BECAUSE of how much your love scares you.
The person you love becomes your own trigger. You push them away because anxiety tells you to but then when they are away, anxiety lessens. What happens when anxiety is lower, you ask! Well, conveniently you are able to feel emotions other than anxiety which means you are back! You feel love, joy, longing, comfort, and peace all over again!
I continue to be awed by the vulnerability of individuals sharing their story because the pain is unbearable. OCD suffers are some of the most loving and caring people and OCD hits us where it hurts. The pain we feel is so against our core that we are willing to share and divulge anything that might help us understand what is breaking us. And as someone who went through it, I am honored to pay it forward!